Everyone wants great relationships, but how do we get their without a little help from well-meaning friends? We all know this stuff, it really is more of a reminder. I’m grateful for those who could see from an outsiders point of view in some of my learning seasons in regards to relationships, because they were not emotionally involved, so they could be objective. Of course these tips are not for everyone but for those who want to get a firm grip on reality and look for a love life you deserve from your heart, a love worth waiting for.
1. Assumptions.It does not matter what is said, actions always speak louder than words. A gentleman will never take advantage of a vulnerable lady. This gentleman does not place his needs before yours especially without investing any thing in your life, like time and friendship for a start. Remember that. In the same light, avoid serious relationships until you are really ready spiritually, mentally, economically, and know what you want out of life. In case you are not aware you are vulnerable, here’s a quick reminder. A break up that has dragged on you don’t know if you should stay or you should go. You’ve experienced some personal loss. It’s a while since you had wholesome friendships that only want to enjoy your company nothing more. You don’t yet understand what true love looks like from your own personal life story. All these mean each of our unique circumstances take us on a different journey. Miserable relationships start most times for all the wrong reasons. Never assume you and the other person want the same things. There is nothing wrong with being single for a while even years to rediscover who you are. Will the real you stand up?
2. Unresolved childhood concerns. Entitlement ring a bell? Yes. Weird. It took me a while to figure this out. Duh! A person who has not worked on themselves or is reshaping their character is sending out a message to the whole world they do not understand their own value apart from the job they do the income they earn the connections they have. Strip all that away and you have an identity crises. So this is the blessing in disguise. Difficulties help us to see ourselves in the real light of day. No props just you. It’s a frightening experience at first until we see how liberating it actually is. Here’s a quick read on unresolved traumas from psychology today that will help to protect yourself from being circled by a shark. Remember trauma gives you a less than complete picture of what true love really looks like. Becoming stronger as a person, sets you up to be an equal in any relationship.
3. Lack of real self Care. Self assertion for me in its purest form is not arrogant overbearing and hurtful. It’s rooted in the true meaning of love. It’s a healthy self-respect of one’s personal space and the same for others. In a world of many standards, you can only give what you have received and hold dearly with both hands. Taking care of you is holistic, spirit soul and body. Can you think of someone to hold your hand on the journey of becoming the strongest version of you, someone who is non judgemental, but can see your challenges from a different point of view?
4. Lack of personal values: Knowing what you will or will not compromise on is so important for your spirit. This is also known as one of the reasons for longevity. Having something in common with those we choose to be close to helps with our own sanity. It saves us a lot of explaining. Life can get busy and building close relationships with those who have something in common with us helps us ‘flow’ together. You know what, all the superficial things stuff changes. Deeply held values, rarely change.
5. Camping in denial. I say denial because it’s temporary. When you excuse someone else’s negative behavior long enough, you lose any trace of respect and eventually you have to cut them loose. Speak clearly even if you are shaking what you can and cannot accept. If you decide to walk away do not run back let them come after you. If not, you are still better off. Again actions speak louder than words. You can see how they treat others who are inferior to them, that’s always a huge warning, you’re next.
6. No personal vision or goal. How do you know who you gel with unless he or she has their own thing going on? It’s exciting to watch someone passionate about what they do. But what do you bring to that fire? If you have not yet identified it, hold back a little, you may end up resenting their passion. And yet that was the very thing you were drawn to. So as exciting as it is to be attracted to another’s vision, identify what you bring to that vision. Hanging on can leave you completely insecure which leads to even more problems. It is painful to watch a mismatched couple or that don’t understand how they compliment each other.
7. Manipulation. For how long can anyone keep that up? The only thing is if you cannot identify a manipulator early you get caught in their web of deceit. If you are in one of those, seek professional help and support. Be open with a trusted family member. Anything covered up continues to grow in the dark. It is not safe to suffer alone in silence. It ruins your chances of future happiness. Manipulators like to isolate before they jump on their prey.
Can you add anything to this list from your experience?
Further Reading: Psychology Today
For me that is a love that is pure is sacred, it does not let me get away with mistreating another just because I could potentially get away with it. A love so strong that I hold in high esteem and want to be all that it really is. Learning this helps keep those pesky gremlins at bay.